My new business - refurbishing boots

Hello. How about this then. The new look designer gardening boots. Everyone will want a pair like these. I'm thinking of going into the refurbishing boots business, could make quite a packet with my quirky designs. I think a price tag of around £75 will cover the cost of my time, and materials used to upcycle a pair of boots. 

Planting flowers in them was suggested by quite a lot of you. I tried it once and the flowers died. I'm not sure why because my feet are not particularly smelly. They get a wash once a month whether they need it or not, ha ha.

This quick makeover took all of three minutes, and I expect my gardening boots to last at least another couple of years. They will be great in the summer because I have incorporated a complex ventilation system in the design. You will note the open grid at the front, this enables air to enter the boot in the toes area, which then circulates around the whole foot and exits around the ankle. A blow through draught will ensure the feet are continually kept cool when other parts of the body may be sweating profusely.

I can see that there might be a problem during the winter months when the ground is sodden after a rainfall. There is a possibility that mud and water will enter the boots, which could cause some problems, like dirty socks and feet which will have to be washed upon entering the house. I will have to put my inventing cap on and come up with a solution. Perhaps two plastic carrier bags could protect them, the handles could be tied around the ankles to prevent them from slipping off. At least the plastic bags will get another use out of them.

Anyway, I am taking orders for my new boot refurbishment business. Send me your boots with the cash, sorry can't do cards or cheques, and I will do my best to give them an attractive makeover. You will be delighted with the results, if you are not then tough, like it or lump it as my mother used to say. There may be a delay in sending them back to you as I expect demand for this service will be pretty high, so do not expect miracles. If you find you need the boots quickly I suggest you go out and buy another pair to tide you over.

Now I must go and do other things, so I'll leave this with you. Admire my genius inventiveness and if you would like to have a go at boot refurbishment yourself  just send £65 in cash and I will dispatch to you a comprehensive kit which will contain everything you need to redesign your boots to a high standard like my own.

Thanks for popping in, we'll catch up soon.
Toodle pip

My top tips for Black Friday

Hello. I was just wondering if anyone is going after a bargain or two, on Black Friday. The sale starts tomorrow if you hadn't already heard. You need to be at the shop of your choice at one minute past midnight, to join in the stampede. In fact best to turn up several hours before that and set up camp outside the door. Carefully select the clothing you are going to wear, because there is every chance that you will have to engage in unarmed combat with fellow bargain hunters. No need to dress up in your best togs. Put on your oldest and smelliest gardening gear, a filthy old coat, a mucky old pair of trousers smeared with hoss manure, and a pair of steel toecap boots. You never know, you may have to stamp on someone's hands if they get to the item that you had your eyes on, before you. If you choose the grubbiest clothes you will find  that other people will give you a wide berth, and you will have a better chance of getting what you want because no one will dare approach you.

The electrical departments will be particularly busy, as everyone has their eye on bagging a new gadget or toy to play with. The ones with the screens seem to be favourite, and the bigger the better. Be assertive at the display as you reach for your prize, to ensure no one challenges you. Grab, grab, grab is the best way to approach this. If someone is slightly ahead of you and it looks like they are going for something you have your eyes on, grab them by the hair and sling them to the ground. Be careful however that you don't do any serious damage, as you might get arrested. Then grab the item you want, and barge your way through the rest of the chaos, elbowing people out of the way, until you get to the checkout.

Forget good manners and politeness at these sales, the order of the day is grab whatever you want. Look into your vocabulary and pick out a few choice expletives, be prepared to use them if anyone gets in your way. Posh people will find this quite daunting, not being used to such course language, but don't forget, it's a case of who dares wins. Open your mouth and throw your inhibitions to the wind. Building site navvies will have no problem using this tactic, just pretend you are at work.

Another trick you can utilize is working in a team. Get your friends and family organized into a line, link arms, and force your way forward through the crowd. People may get pushed over as they lose their balance but not to worry, step over them and continue towards your goal. Doing it this way means you can clear the whole display in a matter of seconds, and you all get a share of the loot.

Once through the checkouts, don't let go of your purchase. Guard it because some aggrieved person who was witness to your disgusting behavior may be looking for retribution. Stay alert and look out for the clenched fist aimed at your head, and be prepared to duck.

If you follow my advice, at best you will arrive home in one piece, you will set up your mega flatscreen TV in front of your armchair and will be enjoying a beer, when the police will come a knocking at your door to arrest you. At worst, you will wake up in the supermarket car park, having had seven bells kicked out of you, and your TV shattered into a thousand pieces. Don't worry about the blue light flashing in your eyes, they have come to cart you off to hospital.

The best advice I can give for this Black Friday lark is......
STUFF IT, DON'T BOTHER GOING. 

Thanks for popping in. Catch up soon. Toodle pip

A day in selfies

THE NITTYGRITTY Z LIST CELEBRITY GOSSIP COLUMN,
FOR ONE DAY ONLY. 

There is an insatiable appetite for selfies which has been raging for almost a year now. Everywhere you go people are pointing their camera at themselves and posting the pictures on social media networking sites. Prime Ministers are joining in, film stars, TV personalities, sports stars, and even Z list bloggers are becoming obsessed with the notion of  getting their mush out there on the world wide web. Here is the latest batch to arrive at the offices of NITTYGRITTY, the magazine that everyone reads. 

The email accompanying these photo's states that the subject is keen to break into the modeling world. 'After all', she says, 'why should Katie Price get all the best jobs, she should move over and give others a chance.' 

This 65 year old pensioner has issued these publicity shots in the hope that she is spotted by a scout and is offered a lucrative modelling assignment, preferably in the Bahamas, as she would like to get away to the sunshine to top up her tan. Meet Meanqueen. 

This first shot is amazing, it shows her dogged determination to scrub those teeth till they shine Go for it girl, you've got a great set of  choppers there. 

Meanqueen has oodles of patience, once she sets her mind on doing something, she will more often than not stick it out to the end. Here she is busy stitching away on her current piece of artwork. She works that fast the needle almost sets the canvas alight.  

Meanqueen's super fit body is all down to eating good healthy food. Here she is sitting outside in the sun, scoffing a plate of  salad. There's lettuce, cucumber, beetroot, cheese, quiche, carrot, and pickled onion. A great combination for a tasty salad. 

A few swigs of cider to wash it down and a few minutes to relax before she goes outside again to tackle some jobs in the garden. There's no stopping this girl, she has to keep busy. 

Meanqueen looks after her plants like they are family, There has been no rain for a few days so the first job is to give all her babies a drink. Watering can at the ready, it's not tap water she uses, no that would be wasteful, but the rain from the sky is free. She collects it in an assortment of buckets and bowls and uses it for washing the car, watering the plants, and flushing the toilet. 

Oh dear, that doesn't look too healthy Meanqueen. With a look of sadness on her face she deposits the remains of the stricken plant unceremoniously onto the compost heap. 'So sorry dear plant, but your life will not be wasted, you will live again another day when a new plant will spring up from the seeds I scatter.'

Wow, that's a big nail, Meanqueen. She gets to work with the stanley knife and a screwdriver, taking down the old plastic greenhouse, carefully removing all the nails with the hammer so that the wood can be used again. Such an innovative woman, recycle is her middle name.

The jobs are finished in the garden, time to go inside and sit down for ten minutes. She reaches for a Liberte real yogurt Greek style from the fridge. No wonder she has a smile on her face, she managed to get a pack of four of these little beauties for the knockdown price of 44p. A massive saving from the original price of £2.19. A little taste of heaven for 11p, marvelous. 

The day has not quite ended, she still finds time to practice her modelling poses. Just look at that fantastic bikini body. Who would know that this svelte lady is underneath all those bulky clothes she wears to keep herself warm. Surely it's only a matter of time before we see her on the cover of one of the glossies, and then she will be able to drop the Z list and move up to the top of the A list.  

Thank you Meanqueen for your collection of selfies, you sure did pick some good ones there.

The agony of it - guest post

Aye up chucks, it's your old battle-axe Nellie Knowitall here, you know, the gobby one who really does know it all. I'm back from my jaunt in Vegas, and I have to report that Elvis is well and truly deceased. All those blokes you see prancing about wearing his clothes are not Elvis at all. Ok, I'll admit I was taken in for a while, I did really believe that the King was alive and kicking, but when you see Elvis in every bar you go to, you begin to get a little bit suspicious. Sorry to burst your bubble, but the real Elvis is dead. All you see nowadays are fakes, and most of them don't look anything like the real thing, let alone sing like him. Sad, I know, but we have to move on.

Right, so what's the topic today? A thought crossed my mind. You know that old saying, 'I wish I knew then what I know now'. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we were all born with the wisdom which comes with living a long time. It would save a lot of hassle. We wouldn't be making so many mistakes, and sometimes making a complete hash of our lives. Wouldn't it be great if knowledge was already built into our brain, so that we didn't have to learn anything because we already knew it. It would save a lot of heartache because we could avoid getting into situations which were going to cause us grief.

I must admit that although I know it all now, it wasn't always the case, and I have made my fair share of cockups. I feel for the young ones of today, if they are going through what I went through. Maybe I could do something to help, through this column, and with the benefit of my wisdom, I could advise those of you who are stuck in an intolerable situation. My advice is, get the hell out of there. You don't have to put up with it, just skidaddle. If you are in a place where you don't want to be, for whatever reason, the simple answer is pack up and go somewhere else.

If you hate your job, get another one. If you are fed up with your partner, swap them for a better model. If you can't afford to buy things, earn more money. If you've got no friends, go out and find some. If you've got too many friends, dump some. If you feel rotten when you get drunk, drink water. If you are overweight, eat less. If you are underweight, eat more. If you cough a lot when you smoke, chuck the packet away and never buy any more. If you are unfit, run up and down stairs a few times. If you can't afford a car, get a bike. If you don't like housework, don't do it.

Oh, I could go on, but I think you might get the gist. Whatever is not working for you, change it. So, if I can help you in any way, all you have to do is to post your problem here, and I will share my wisdom and tell you what to do to improve the situation. I am your friend, everything you tell me is in confidence, I promise not to laugh, or tell anyone else. Don't forget, a problem halved is a problem shared, or something like that. Don't bottle it up.    

I have been around a long time, seen a lot of life, and know how things work. You may not always agree with what I am saying, but I won't give you any bullshit. I tell it like it is.
I am your friend, Nellie.

It's a balancing act

It's not very often you see something do exactly what it says on the packet. There are many a false claim bandied about in the name of marketing and promotion. We read some fantastical statements and think, 'oh yeah, pull the other leg it's got bells on, as if I am soft enough to believe that', ha ha. Well I don't believe everything I read either, up until now. 

So these packets of balancing facial wipes, I don't believe for one minute that they can balance. They are flat and smooth, with four pointy corners, how on earth can they balance, they would fall off surely!  

I decided to give it a try, up for a challenge that's me. I wondered what I could get them to balance on, nothing too easy, like a brush or a cloth, no it had to be something quite narrow with rounded edges, let's make it difficult. I know, I'll try a small branch out of the garden.

So with steady hand, I carefully placed the packets along the wood, on their pointy ends. To lay them flat would be too simple. Blimey, you could knock me down with a feather, look at this, they are indeed balancing. Well I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. It's chuffin amazing, I must have some supernatural powers.

And in case you are doubting me, take a closer look. They are not supported in any way. They are not tied up with string or cotton, they are not hanging from something up above, they are balancing independantly all by themselves.

They do what they say on the packet.....balance.

Good eh! Think the sun is getting to me :o)

A very useful guest post

Hello my fabulous followers, today I've got a treat for you, I have agreed to engage the services of a Guest Writer. I know, I know, I said I wouldn't, but she sent me some samples of her work, and I have to say I was blown away with it. Her wisdom is mind bogling, I have learnt a whole new way of life from studying her writings. Of course I couldn't keep this exciting discovery to myself, that would be very selfish of me, so I would like to share this with you, in the hope that you might pick up some little money saving gems and incorporate them into your own lives.

Let me introduce you to this lady of great wisdom. She is a little bit shy so I have to pick my words very carefully. She has no desire to become famous or wealthy, she has a very simple lifestyle, but I have managed to get her to reveal her name, and a few other bits of information. So without further ado, I present Nellie Knowitall. She is founder of a brand new company, called Stating the Bleedin Obvious, set up to expel some of the myths about money saving and frugality. Nellie was brought up on a family farm in the Back of Beyond, she didn't have any clothes until she reached the age of 25, then she learnt how to sew, and started making bra's and pants from the hessian sacks which the animal feed was delivered in.

Anyway, that's enough from me, I will stop waffling and pass you over to our Guest Writer, Nellie Knowitall.

Hello, and thank you for that load of old cobblers introduction, Ilona. You have grossly exagerated the facts as usual, it wasn't hessian sacks, but the plastic carrier bags that the food shopping from Tesco Home Delivery came in. Right, here are my money saving tips, specially compiled for you lovely people.

1. Keep your money in your purse, do not open your purse, do not take your purse out anywhere.
2. If you have to buy some food, make sure you go to the cheapest shop. Go to lots of shops, but always buy the cheapest food. You might not like it very much, but the low cost will make up for the disappointment of eating something you do not like.
3. If your house is cold, don't be a whimp and turn the heating on, go to the wardrobe and pull out lots of sweaters and jog bottoms. Up your layers, it doesn't matter what you look like in your own home.
4. If you are still cold, go to the library and sit in the warm for an hour or two. Take a flask and read a few books. Or, use your bus pass and ride around on the bus all day, take some sandwiches.
5. If you have got some spare blood that you don't want, become a blood donor. trade your blood in for a cup of tea and some biscuits. This also gets you out of the cold for a while.
6. Wait until your clothes are absolutely filthy before you put them in the washing machine. Don't worry about the odd soup stain down your front, or the sweat marks under your arms, only wash them when you can no longer stand the smell.
7. If you really must have a bath, save the water to use for other jobs, like washing the car, or the dog, or the kitchen floor, or flushing the toilet. And don't forget, just before you get out of the bath, have a pee in it, that will save two squares of toilet paper.
8. When it's time to go to bed, and your house is cold, don't bother to take off your clothes and freeze your tits off, just get under the covers like you are, and if necessary put a wooly hat and gloves on. Don't forget to take your boots off though, makes a hell of  a mess of the duvet covers.
9. If you've got to get someone a gift, for a birthday or Christmas, don't go to the shop and buy something. There is plenty of free stuff lying around which you can give them. Do a bit of scrumping and give them a bag of apples. You can find some nice stuff in skips, or dumpsters if in the USA, people throw stuff out that would make nice gifts. Use your imagination, a bunch of wild flowers is a nice gift.
10. Think about what skills you have, can they be swapped with someone who has different skills. For instance, could someone cut your hair if you bake them a cake. Or, could you do some ironing for someone who would do some weeding for you in the garden. If you are a single man you could offer to cut the hedges for a single lady, and she could iron your shirts. You never know you might find lurv with another singleton when you swap skills.

Well that's all I have time for now, I'll leave you with this little bit of advice. Don't buy Innocents noodle pots at full price, wait until they have been reduced.

Good grief, £3 chuffin 90 for a pot noodle. 39p, that's more like my price.

I hope you enjoyed my money saving tips, please visit my web site, Stating the Bleedin Obvious, for some more. I hope Ilona asks me back again, because I could do with advertising more links to my site, so I get more followers, and they start buying stuff from me, and I can get some paid writing jobs, and I make some more money. (I lied about the being shy bit, and not wanting to be famous or wealthy)

Thank you Nellie, I really enjoyed reading your guest post. Now buzz off and stop bothering me.
Toodle pip.

Gritty bits driving me mental

D'ya know what, I'm a bit late with this tonight, I've been to Tesco for the late shop, and d'ya know what, I got quite a lot of yellow stickers. Big reductions on brussel sprouts, spinach, layered cheese salad, prepared carrots and peas, noodles, and muffins. And d'ya know what, there was six packs of yogurts reduced to half price, just because the pots had separated from each other. They were bagged up and marked down with a yellow sticker. Well I'm going to separate them anyway, before I eat them, so d'ya know what, I don't mind that someone else has separated them. Done me a favour they have.

D'ya know what, I have decided I don't like popcorn. D'ya know why, it's because you chew on it for ages, and you can never get rid of the gritty bits. D'ya know what, I ended up stepping outside, and spitting them all over the garden, I was so fed up of chewing. D'ya know what, there's no way I can swallow all those hard bits, I mean, what happens to them when they go down my gullet and into my stomach, how can my gastric juices possibly break that down, surely it's going to come out the other end in much the same state as it went in, so what's the point. D'ya know what, I'm definately not going to be poppin any more. My poor digestive system can't cope with me swallowing a lot of grit.

D'ya know what, I split up my babies today, here they are all in their own pots. Talk to them nicely for me, and they will hopefully turn into big yellow flowers. Thank you for all the tips on growing them. I'll keep you posted on their progress, or demise if they should keel over and die.

D'ya know what, everyone is starting sentences with d'ya know what. They keep doing it on Coronation Street, and d'ya know what, it's cropping up all over the place. They don't say 'do you know what', oh no, they say d'ya know what.  What a sloppy way of talking, and what is the point of it. The person doing the listening is going to know what, by the time the one speaking has finished, so why start with d'ya know what? D'ya know what, I will scream if I hear d'ya know what, one more time. You have a listen to people talking, see how many times you hear it. D'ya know what, it will drive you mental after a while.

D'ya know what, I had another email today from a female asking if she could write a guest post. The subjects she offered were, Bailiffs what powers do they have, Is bankruptsy for you, and Administration orders, whatever that is. She said she would love to contribute to my blog. What a damn cheek, is she insinuating that I am not capable of writing my own posts. D'ya know what, if the time comes when my head is completely empty of any ideas, if my brain siezes up completely, and my fingers can't find the right letters on the keyboard, then that is the time to pack up. Untill then, you're stuck with me I'm afraid.
D'ya know what, I'm going to bed.
Toodle pip.

Sumtimes i hit the rong ckeys ! " \ > ( ^ } ; ~ ?

Sum-one has had a go at me becorse I made a speling missteak. To the troll who is so bluddy perfect, I don't give a stuff. My punctuashon isnt too gud either, I get the comas in the rong plaice, and Im not shure if you put the speach marks befor or after the kweshtion mark. Also my grammer is a bit messy, I wright things back to front, or is that front to back?" I didnt hav a univirsity educashon, just lernt enuff at skool to get by. It dusent bother me if I am not clever, ive had a gud life, and Im still havin a gud life, so up yors troll.

Iv had a luvly day walking, taken lots of pics, Il get them reddy for posting toomorrow.Thanckyou for reeding. Toodal pop, oh I meen pip.  :o)  :o)  :o)