A day in selfies

THE NITTYGRITTY Z LIST CELEBRITY GOSSIP COLUMN,
FOR ONE DAY ONLY. 

There is an insatiable appetite for selfies which has been raging for almost a year now. Everywhere you go people are pointing their camera at themselves and posting the pictures on social media networking sites. Prime Ministers are joining in, film stars, TV personalities, sports stars, and even Z list bloggers are becoming obsessed with the notion of  getting their mush out there on the world wide web. Here is the latest batch to arrive at the offices of NITTYGRITTY, the magazine that everyone reads. 

The email accompanying these photo's states that the subject is keen to break into the modeling world. 'After all', she says, 'why should Katie Price get all the best jobs, she should move over and give others a chance.' 

This 65 year old pensioner has issued these publicity shots in the hope that she is spotted by a scout and is offered a lucrative modelling assignment, preferably in the Bahamas, as she would like to get away to the sunshine to top up her tan. Meet Meanqueen. 

This first shot is amazing, it shows her dogged determination to scrub those teeth till they shine Go for it girl, you've got a great set of  choppers there. 

Meanqueen has oodles of patience, once she sets her mind on doing something, she will more often than not stick it out to the end. Here she is busy stitching away on her current piece of artwork. She works that fast the needle almost sets the canvas alight.  

Meanqueen's super fit body is all down to eating good healthy food. Here she is sitting outside in the sun, scoffing a plate of  salad. There's lettuce, cucumber, beetroot, cheese, quiche, carrot, and pickled onion. A great combination for a tasty salad. 

A few swigs of cider to wash it down and a few minutes to relax before she goes outside again to tackle some jobs in the garden. There's no stopping this girl, she has to keep busy. 

Meanqueen looks after her plants like they are family, There has been no rain for a few days so the first job is to give all her babies a drink. Watering can at the ready, it's not tap water she uses, no that would be wasteful, but the rain from the sky is free. She collects it in an assortment of buckets and bowls and uses it for washing the car, watering the plants, and flushing the toilet. 

Oh dear, that doesn't look too healthy Meanqueen. With a look of sadness on her face she deposits the remains of the stricken plant unceremoniously onto the compost heap. 'So sorry dear plant, but your life will not be wasted, you will live again another day when a new plant will spring up from the seeds I scatter.'

Wow, that's a big nail, Meanqueen. She gets to work with the stanley knife and a screwdriver, taking down the old plastic greenhouse, carefully removing all the nails with the hammer so that the wood can be used again. Such an innovative woman, recycle is her middle name.

The jobs are finished in the garden, time to go inside and sit down for ten minutes. She reaches for a Liberte real yogurt Greek style from the fridge. No wonder she has a smile on her face, she managed to get a pack of four of these little beauties for the knockdown price of 44p. A massive saving from the original price of £2.19. A little taste of heaven for 11p, marvelous. 

The day has not quite ended, she still finds time to practice her modelling poses. Just look at that fantastic bikini body. Who would know that this svelte lady is underneath all those bulky clothes she wears to keep herself warm. Surely it's only a matter of time before we see her on the cover of one of the glossies, and then she will be able to drop the Z list and move up to the top of the A list.  

Thank you Meanqueen for your collection of selfies, you sure did pick some good ones there.