Aye up chucks, it's your old battle-axe Nellie Knowitall here, you know, the gobby one who really does know it all. I'm back from my jaunt in Vegas, and I have to report that Elvis is well and truly deceased. All those blokes you see prancing about wearing his clothes are not Elvis at all. Ok, I'll admit I was taken in for a while, I did really believe that the King was alive and kicking, but when you see Elvis in every bar you go to, you begin to get a little bit suspicious. Sorry to burst your bubble, but the real Elvis is dead. All you see nowadays are fakes, and most of them don't look anything like the real thing, let alone sing like him. Sad, I know, but we have to move on.
Right, so what's the topic today? A thought crossed my mind. You know that old saying, 'I wish I knew then what I know now'. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we were all born with the wisdom which comes with living a long time. It would save a lot of hassle. We wouldn't be making so many mistakes, and sometimes making a complete hash of our lives. Wouldn't it be great if knowledge was already built into our brain, so that we didn't have to learn anything because we already knew it. It would save a lot of heartache because we could avoid getting into situations which were going to cause us grief.
I must admit that although I know it all now, it wasn't always the case, and I have made my fair share of cockups. I feel for the young ones of today, if they are going through what I went through. Maybe I could do something to help, through this column, and with the benefit of my wisdom, I could advise those of you who are stuck in an intolerable situation. My advice is, get the hell out of there. You don't have to put up with it, just skidaddle. If you are in a place where you don't want to be, for whatever reason, the simple answer is pack up and go somewhere else.
If you hate your job, get another one. If you are fed up with your partner, swap them for a better model. If you can't afford to buy things, earn more money. If you've got no friends, go out and find some. If you've got too many friends, dump some. If you feel rotten when you get drunk, drink water. If you are overweight, eat less. If you are underweight, eat more. If you cough a lot when you smoke, chuck the packet away and never buy any more. If you are unfit, run up and down stairs a few times. If you can't afford a car, get a bike. If you don't like housework, don't do it.
Oh, I could go on, but I think you might get the gist. Whatever is not working for you, change it. So, if I can help you in any way, all you have to do is to post your problem here, and I will share my wisdom and tell you what to do to improve the situation. I am your friend, everything you tell me is in confidence, I promise not to laugh, or tell anyone else. Don't forget, a problem halved is a problem shared, or something like that. Don't bottle it up.
I have been around a long time, seen a lot of life, and know how things work. You may not always agree with what I am saying, but I won't give you any bullshit. I tell it like it is.
I am your friend, Nellie.
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